days 34 & 35

It's less than a week until I step down to step 2 of the nicoderm CQ patches. So, in less than 5 weeks I will be weened from nicotine, completely!

I'm getting a little scared.

Thoughts run through my mind, like "What if I start having cravings again, when I'm not getting as much nicotine,  transdermally?" 

And many others like that. 

As of right now, I am determined to keep this up. I don't want to smoke anymore. I don't want to be nicotine's little bitch, ever again. 

Now, don't take that the wrong way. I'm not saying smokers are nicotine's bitches. I'm saying I was. It controlled everything I did. 

I would eat really fast, when my family and I would go out to dinner, just so I could smoke a cigarette before they were done eating, and before they were ready to leave. 

I would let Meg sleep an extra 10 minutes, so I could get in that morning smoke. 

We wouldn't leave for places on time, because I'd stand outside of the car, smoking a cigarette, just to get my fix.

Is that not the most sickening thing?

 I mean there are worse things in this world to become addicted to. Some people are alcoholics, and struggle with it every single day of their lives, whether they are still indulging, or fighting the good fight.

Some people are addicted to harsher, more frowned upon drugs, like meth, coke, crack, or heroin. 

Some are struggling with prescription medications, and that battle is one I was terrified of. I can see how easy it would be, to become addicted to muscle relaxers. This is the reason I always refused painkillers, anytime I was in the ER. No, Dr. Thank you though, aleve will work just fine. And anytime they did prescribe me painkillers, I would throw the scrip away, right in front of them. Ha! 

But, my addiction? It comes with multiple ways to quit. How lucky am I, to have so many options, to help me succeed? Where many of the options have failed, I am praying this one continues to work. I'm hoping the patch, along with my will and determination, can win this war. 

Btw, I keep having dreams that I am smoking. Sometimes, since I'm a very active sleeper, I want to tie a bell to my ankle, just to make sure I'm not sleep smoking. (I would go outside)

Anyway. That's all for this round. 

XOXO